CrazyGirl observes the Future

Fun fact about me: I actually quite like discovering new things about myself or how certain aspects of my personality tie into different parts of my life. I like doing things like taking the Myers-Briggs personality test, and finding that I am 110% an ENFP (another fun fact: I am literally 100% extroverted. . .shocker, right??) or taking the love languages test and discovering that while physical touch is my number one by a long shot, acts of service are my lowest by a long shot. I like discovering new things to be passionate about and to throw my energy into, like salsa dancing, painting, and (surprise surprise) blogging. Sometimes it's hard to admit things about yourself, even TO yourself. When I was younger, I didn't like to think I had a flair for the dramatics (I most definitely did, and probably still do). In junior high and high school, I hated admitting that I lacked self-confidence and felt annoying all the time. But, being able to acknowledge and address these things has helped me to become the person I am today. Admitting something about yourself to yourself is the first step towards changing what you might perceive as a negative, into a positive. Being self-conscious and unsure of myself was no fun while it was happening, but it also gave me the experience and perspective to relate to others experiencing the same thing and attempt to equip them with truths that can alter their perspective of themselves.
Lately, I have had lots of conversations that have turned into self-reflections. I have realized some areas of my life that I need to pay a little attention to, so that I can adjust them to help me better reflect Christ in my daily living. I have also realized some areas that maybe I need to take a step away from so that I can focus on other things, more important things.
I have noticed lately, that I interrupt. I don't do this to be rude, and most of the time, I honestly don't realize I'm doing it. But, someone will say something that will trigger a thought and before I can stop myself the thought pops out of my mouth, regardless of whether or not you were finished. I definitely need to work on that. I also pass snap judgments about others, without really stopping to think about it. And, a lot of the time, I unnecessarily vocalize these judgments.
But, this blog post isn't just about my shortcomings, and most of you don't want to read through all of those anyway (my siblings might). This post is also about growth. I have finally gotten into a habit of doing a devotion every night before bed. Not the quick "Oh, I read today's thing, I'm good. God, you saw that right? Right. Good." type thing I used to do when I said I was doing devotion. But, I've actually spent time praying and listening to God (which can be hard for me. . . I like to talk. . .A LOT), I have been immersing myself in the word (and actually finding that I can get just as lost in the Bible as I can one of my cheesy romance novels), and trying to seek God's will for every moment in my life, so that I can honor Him with my actions. And one of the biggest things is (and you can probably guess this if you have followed my blog for any solid amount of time) relationships. Try as I may, they seem to continuously slip into the number one priority in my life. And that needs to change. I'm not saying that if God brought a guy into my life tomorrow, I would be opposed to it, I mean that it would need to be God bringing that gentleman into my life and not me searching for him. Ever since my first day of kindergarten, when I walked into the classroom, set my eyes on a guy, and decided I liked him (and continued to like him through 6th grade), I have had the innate ability to become attached to people who don't see the same value in me. (Probably played a big part in my self-esteem issues). Whether it's the guy who sits next to me in class, or the girl I thought was my friend, I place value in relationships that aren't always two-sided. This is especially true when it comes to crushes. I don't even think I can count the number of times I walked in the front door after school and announced to my mom that I had found the guy I was going to marry (and at least 75% of them didn't realize I existed). Now, I know that I tend to be someone who tries to see the good in just about everyone (I'm not perfect, it doesn't always happen), and sometimes, I let that override red flags that suggest this may not be the greatest situation for my own emotional health. Which explains a lot of the crushes I had in high school. . . Anyway, not the point. The point is, I know I get attached really fast, even if the feelings aren't returned. Which is a big part of the reason I know I need to stop putting so much focus on relationships. Another reason is that for SO LONG, I viewed the lack of physical affection I had shared with guys to be this huge problem. I had convinced myself that it reflected something wrong with me. (I realize now, that God was protecting me from something that was much more dangerous that I had ever perceived it to be.) And lately, the topic of kissing has come up multiple times in multiple conversations with multiple different people. So, I started praying about it, and asking God about my perspective on kissing, and I realized something; if I can get so attached to someone with absolutely zero physical affection being shared, how much more attached will I get when physical affection takes place? That's a scary road to go down. Now, if you and I have ever had a conversation about kissing, and your first kiss, you've probably hear my little rant about how I have respect for people who can save their first kiss for their wedding day, but that won't ever be me, because let's be frank, having your first kiss in front of a bunch of people, after enduring the stress of a wedding, and then losing your virginity all in one day is a lot of pressure. But, lately I've realized that even that doesn't mean I need to go around kissing guys (which, if you would have asked me two weeks ago, if I would be okay with a guy I wasn't dating kissing me, I would have told you that as long as there was mutual interest, I would be totally fine with it). In fact, if I want to save my whole heart for the man I marry, I probably shouldn't kiss any other guys (and, let's be real, I don't like thinking about other girls kissing my future husband). So, in order to avoid a super awkward first kiss in front of a bunch of people (and don't try to tell me it won't be awkward, I am an incredibly awkward individual) I have decided that my first kiss needs to wait until I am engaged to marry the man I will spend the rest of my life with.
I'm not saying that this is the path for everyone. It never once says in the Bible that "You shalt not kiss until you are engaged." I am simply trying to share with you the process through which God and I came to that decision regarding my future together. I can't sit here and tell you that God doesn't want you to kiss your significant other, but I can tell you that it's a matter between you and God. Now, maybe this decision came a little easier to me since I haven't experienced much in the way of PDA, and I am still single. But, my suggestion to you is that if you feel God tugging at your heart, trying to get your attention, take a while to just listen. His plans are always greater than anything we could ever imagine for ourselves, and while the reasons don't make sense at first, there comes a time (although not guaranteed to be in this lifetime) when the reasons line up, and you understand why God said "NO" when you prayed for that certain circumstance (yeah, whenever I PRAYED with all my might that THIS guy might just kiss me, God said no). Things always turn out better when you listen to God first, instead of trying to do them your own way. Trust me.
Til Next Time,

CrazyGirl
P.S. I recently came across a quote that goes something like this "My entire life can be summed up in one sentence: it didn't go as planned and that's okay." That's also a pretty good summary of this post.

CrazyGirl observes a Prideful Fall

So, if any of you know me on a fairly personal basis, you know that I really despise asking other people for help. There really is no logic behind it, considering that I actually like it when people ask me for help with things, but somewhere inside my rather odd brain, a conversation along the lines of this takes place:
Me: I probably shouldn't do this by myself, I should definitely ask for help. . . who might be available to help?
Brain: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You don't want to do that.
Me: Yeah, I actually do, I need the help.
Brain: But, if you ask for help, you might inconvenience them, and they might resent you for that.
Me: That's silly. They're my friends, I'm allowed to ask for help.
Brain: But that makes you pathetic and weak.
Me: Crud, you're right.
And then I end up doing something I should have asked for help on.
There is a reason that "acts of service" is low on my love languages list.
And today, I had to switch dorm rooms, which meant lugging all of my stuff from third floor to first floor. Doesn't seem that difficult, right? Well, when you recently had surgery, and have been working to strengthen that shoulder, but have only achieved an 8 pound dumbbell, things get a little tricky. Which is why I had the above conversation with myself.
Luckily, I have some friends who know that I occasionally (okay, ALWAYS) talk myself out of asking for help and they offered it. Which was a huge blessing, and (sadly) extremely difficult for me to accept.
Well, after months of thinking I'm making this huge progress with my shoulder, and then suddenly being incapable of moving my own junk down two flights of stairs, my pride started to get injured, and I started to get stubborn. I began moving stuff I knew I shouldn't lift, I just didn't want to feel incompetent. My shoulder started to ache, and I ignored it, reminding myself that I didn't want to be pathetic. Stubbornly, I refused to take Advil until I started feeling a sharp stabbing pain towards the end of my scar. I finally broke down and took one of the stronger painkillers the doctor gave me when I reached the point that every stair was excruciating because it jarred my shoulder. But I didn't want to sit down or stop because I wanted to prove to myself that I wasn't pathetic.
Multiple people stopped me during those few hours of self-inflicted torture, to ask if I was okay and to ask if I needed help. And stupid, stubborn me told them I was fine and I didn't need help. Why? Because I didn't want to be pathetic in my own eyes.
I learned a few pretty important lessons tonight.
First, being stubborn comes with its own consequences, and I will probably experience those consequences for the next week.
Second, having limitations doesn't make you pathetic, it makes you human.
Third, real friends will not resent you for asking for help.
Fourth, I have a God who sends some pretty amazing and insightful people my way, who refuse to let me be too stubborn by telling me that I am going to learn to accept love in all the love languages including acts of service.
And finally, God always provides. He provided me help MULTIPLE times, I was just too stubborn to take it. I mean, He might as well have whacked me over the head with a brick that reads "Allow them to help, you idiot." But, silly, strange, and downright obnoxious human pride stopped me from accepting the help. And for what? To prove to myself that I could lift a box? To show myself I wasn't pathetic? Honestly, I feel like my stubbornness just made me even more pathetic. I was too prideful to accept the help I knew I needed, despite the fact that literally my entire body was screaming at me for what I was doing.
All in all, I learned my limitations, and realized that pride can make me a real idiot. I need to learn to humble myself enough to ask for the things I need. Like help dragging boxes down two flights of stairs.
Til Next Time,
CrazyGirl